“Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it's often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis.”
Brene Brown
Shame is a voice many if not most of us have. Sometimes it's a whisper, "You shouldn't do that;" other times it's deafening, "You really messed up this time." It plays on our deepest insecurities and can lead to us feeling profoundly alone. No matter how it shows up, shame is what makes us believe we never were, are, or will be enough.
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For many, the antidote to shame is perfectionism, a striving to never look bad and never mess up. Sometimes this works, and we're celebrated for our attention to detail, commitment to quality, and unwavering work ethic. More often than not, however, perfectionism leads to anxiety, procrastination, self-abuse, and shutting down and giving up.
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As a recovering perfectionist, I understand the role shame plays in how we approach all aspects of our lives, be it work, hobbies, or relationships. When shame goes unchecked, we can become stagnant and stuck in a perfectionism-fueled loop. Fortunately, psychotherapy can change this. At my practice, I work with clients to help them better understand their relationship with shame as well as the ways they can rise above it. This process may involve assertiveness training or examining limiting self-beliefs; it will always include compassion, flexibility, playfulness, and understanding.
As Brene Brown put it, shame cannot survive in the light; my goal is to help you bring forward your shame and reduce its power and grip on your life.
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Below are some of the strategies we might use to help reduce your shame
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False Belief Identification
Inaccurate or negative beliefs can lead to feelings and behaviors that restrict self-expression and reinforce poor self-worth. Together, we'll work to identify your hidden beliefs, seek to understand their "roots," assess their legitimacy, and come up with a more accurate way of viewing yourself.
Regret Processing
Regret is a normal part of life. People struggling with perfectionism and shame tend to overidentify with the "should haves" and "could haves" of their past (i.e. I should have done better on this thing). We'll work to better understand your regrets and explore the ways in which they impact your current and future outlook.
Exploring your Values
Many of us go through life holding and acting on values that may not be our own, which can lead to feelings of emptiness and self-doubt. In our work, we'll examine and clarify your values and develop strategies to help you live more in alignment with what feels important to you.
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Assertiveness Training
Assertiveness training helps us learn how to communicate our wants and needs in a clear and direct manner, which can increase our confidence and improve our relationship with ourselves and others. Together, we'll role-play assertive communication styles and identify barriers that prevent you from pursuing what you want.
Integrating your Shadow
According to Carl Jung, the shadow is our dark side, the part we hide from ourselves and others. It also happens to be the key to unlocking our potential and strength. We'll get to know your shadow and explore the ways you can benefit from bringing more of it into your life.
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Self-Acceptance
Accepting ourselves for who we are and not what we're "supposed to be" is key to mental health. Ironically, when we accept ourselves, flaws and all, we can make changes towards becoming what we want. We'll explore what gets in the way of you accepting more of yourself and identify the changes you hope to make.